It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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