You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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