God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
