Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
