Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
