Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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