I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize