remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
