Already got asked if we're dating
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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