Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
