My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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