I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
