Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
