no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
