i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
