After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
