We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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