I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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