I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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