I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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