I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
