I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
