I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
