Porn is love you can see.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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