Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We named our party play list daddy issues
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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