Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
