Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
