It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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