I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
