Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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