I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Operation Purity has been aborted
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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