Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
