Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
