You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
