Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
stop calling my apartment porn island.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
