So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
only you would photoshop your dick
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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