I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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