she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
