Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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