I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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