I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
This toilet bowl is my home.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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