once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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