i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
