dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
