I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize