My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
