my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
