Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
