Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
