I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
