I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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