my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize