You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
