Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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