in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
