I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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