Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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