Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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