The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
